Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
