He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
