I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
