i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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