The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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