what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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