Just cropdusted the office
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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