I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Randomize
