she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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