i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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