shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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