The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
