I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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