He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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