I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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