his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
