Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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