It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
