The maid of honor just puked.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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