i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
