Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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