my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
