Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
