I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I could make wine with my vomit
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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