awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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