Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
