So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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