you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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