I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
