R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
