Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
