His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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