I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
