3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
