I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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