Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
