Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
