Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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