you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
