Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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