There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
