Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
