I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
