Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Randomize
