At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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