Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize