I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
you had me at cake vodka
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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