i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
