My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
