you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
