she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
