I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
