getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We left an ass print on the piano.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
