no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
