Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
