youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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