So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
