I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
