i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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