youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
