my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
