I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Randomize
